RIP - Notes from my deathbed

All this traveling and general enjoying of life has finally caught up to me. I had big plans for my second weekend in Melbourne (the only other time I spent the weekend in the city was over a month ago): I wanted to visit a tiny spa town called Daylesford, climb Mount Macedon, hike in the Grampians, and just show my parents around Melbourne.

Zero of that happened (unless you count my delusional dream-state). I’ve been in bed for almost 72 hours straight. In addition to sleeping for probably 70 of those hours, the most I’ve eaten in the past three days is probably a generous piece of bread. But I’ll spare you all the gory details and get to my point.

While at my parents’ hotel, I caught up on some American television. No, not The Office, Modern Family, or How I Met Your Mother. Instead, I watched heaps of shows on the Discovery Channel, with special emphasis on all the delicious (and not so delicious) food that I couldn’t eat.

I watched everything from Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations to Andrew Zimmern’s Bizarre Foods, but I was most captivated by America’s pigout competitions. [Discovery Channel - shame on you for airing these shows internationally, no wonder everyone thinks Americans are all fat and zero brain. Who else would willingly attempt to swallow an entire 5-pound Philly cheesesteak in under an hour? That would be Adam Richman, host of Man v. Food, and the worst part? He was successful.. in a mere 28 minutes. It was pretty disgusting, but so enchanting.]

So, America is super-sized, but these make McDonald's look like that vegan and organic market down the street that's too hippie to have a name. A few impressive “Made in America” creations really stuck with me:

1. The 7-pound breakfast burrito – what better way to start off your day than by eating a burrito the size of a newborn baby?

If a woman finishes this feast, she eats at the restaurant for free for the rest of her life.

2. The 50-pound burger - enough to feed all the starving children of the world, or one high school boys’ basketball team.

[Apologies for the lack of images, but seeing another abnormally large piece of greasy/fried anything will surely make me spew.]

3. A pizza so big that it is delivered in a custom-made wooden box, loaded in the back of a pick-up truck, and will not fit through your two front doors.

4. A restaurant (opened by a former nutritionist, WOW) called the Heart Attack Grill. Their most intense burger is aptly named the Quadruple Bypass. If you can finish it, “nurse”-waitresses will escort you to your car in a wheelchair. Also, if you weigh more than 350 pounds, you eat free.

Oh America, how I miss you.