Quote of the Day

YEAH EASTER BREAK!!!

Australia for Dummies: Lessons from the First Half

The sign is hard to read, but it says, "The Half Way Point." Time for another halfway party!

I’ve been in Australia for just over two months now and I've learned A LOT. Here's ten lessons I wish I had known before I found myself in the land down under.

Lesson 1. Australia is huge, covering basically as much territory as the States. That means buses, trains, and planes will take just as long as in the United States. I didn’t quite realize that taking a bus from Melbourne to Sydney was equivalent to taking a bus from Houston to Atlanta.

However, Australia's total population is less than that of Southern Cal.

Lesson 2. Stores in Melbourne operate between 9am and 5pm, with very few exceptions. Don’t expect to find a coffee or do much shopping outside of those hours.

Lesson 3. I am not invincible (but sharks, poisonous snakes, and Australia's other well known dangerous creatures aren't what got me down). See my deathbed post from just the other day.

Lesson 4. Dark chocolate Kit Kats come in FAMILY SIZE packages.

Lesson 5. Tim Tam Slam: the best way to eat a Tim Tam (some may call it the Oreo of Australia): take one small bite out of each of the two ends, place one end in a glass (or better yet, a shallow bowl) of milk, suck the milk through your delicious wafer like a straw. Consume your now perfectly milked Tim Tam (is milked a word? Sorry I'm still recovering from my delirious fits. See Lesson #3 above).

All the different Tim Tam flavours take up half an aisle at the supermarket - dark chocolate, mint, cookies n' cream..

Lesson 6. Australians like to trick gullible tourists. There is no such thing as a parking gate that will let cars through in response to a (foreign) human voice yelling, “OPEN!”

Lesson 7. Whoever told you that Australia has sunshine year round is lying. Winter in Melbourne has already begun.

A high of 19˚C translates to about 66˚F. This is NOT what I signed up for.

Lesson 8. Human Frogger isn’t as fun as it sounds. Don’t jaywalk across a busy street when cars and trams are coming from both directions.

Lesson 9. Along the same lines, pay attention when crossing the “circle of death,” the single most dangerous roundabout in Melbourne and the one thing standing between my apartment and Melbourne Uni. It’s only a matter of time..

Notice the THREE sets of two-way tram tracks and 6-8 roads entering and leaving the circle. Add to that driving on the left side of the road and going around the circle CLOCKWISE, and things start getting messy.

And finally..

Lesson 10. Taylor who? T. Swift does not exist down under.

RIP - Notes from my deathbed

All this traveling and general enjoying of life has finally caught up to me. I had big plans for my second weekend in Melbourne (the only other time I spent the weekend in the city was over a month ago): I wanted to visit a tiny spa town called Daylesford, climb Mount Macedon, hike in the Grampians, and just show my parents around Melbourne.

Zero of that happened (unless you count my delusional dream-state). I’ve been in bed for almost 72 hours straight. In addition to sleeping for probably 70 of those hours, the most I’ve eaten in the past three days is probably a generous piece of bread. But I’ll spare you all the gory details and get to my point.

While at my parents’ hotel, I caught up on some American television. No, not The Office, Modern Family, or How I Met Your Mother. Instead, I watched heaps of shows on the Discovery Channel, with special emphasis on all the delicious (and not so delicious) food that I couldn’t eat.

I watched everything from Anthony Bourdain’s No Reservations to Andrew Zimmern’s Bizarre Foods, but I was most captivated by America’s pigout competitions. [Discovery Channel - shame on you for airing these shows internationally, no wonder everyone thinks Americans are all fat and zero brain. Who else would willingly attempt to swallow an entire 5-pound Philly cheesesteak in under an hour? That would be Adam Richman, host of Man v. Food, and the worst part? He was successful.. in a mere 28 minutes. It was pretty disgusting, but so enchanting.]

So, America is super-sized, but these make McDonald's look like that vegan and organic market down the street that's too hippie to have a name. A few impressive “Made in America” creations really stuck with me:

1. The 7-pound breakfast burrito – what better way to start off your day than by eating a burrito the size of a newborn baby?

If a woman finishes this feast, she eats at the restaurant for free for the rest of her life.

2. The 50-pound burger - enough to feed all the starving children of the world, or one high school boys’ basketball team.

[Apologies for the lack of images, but seeing another abnormally large piece of greasy/fried anything will surely make me spew.]

3. A pizza so big that it is delivered in a custom-made wooden box, loaded in the back of a pick-up truck, and will not fit through your two front doors.

4. A restaurant (opened by a former nutritionist, WOW) called the Heart Attack Grill. Their most intense burger is aptly named the Quadruple Bypass. If you can finish it, “nurse”-waitresses will escort you to your car in a wheelchair. Also, if you weigh more than 350 pounds, you eat free.

Oh America, how I miss you.

Sydney: the Sequel

With a limited number of weekends left, I didn't want to double dip, but I agreed to return to Sydney last weekend to meet up with my folks. Luckily for me, it was a completely different experience.

Here's the cast:

Me: Resident expert on all things Australian.

Dad: First move upon arrival in Australia? Trying to get into the taxi driver’s seat. The driver sits on the RIGHT side of the car, as if our accents and general cluelessness didn’t give away our foreignness already.

Mom: Not significantly impressed by the Sydney Opera House. Reluctant to walk the 100 extra metres to the front of the building, she stated, “So? It looks like all the postcards.”

Don't worry, we did eventually convince her to make the trek to the Opera House steps.

And a few teasers:

• We climbed to the top of the 134 metre high Harbour Bridge. [Cameras weren’t allowed on our climb, so the climb leader took a few pictures for us. I had a sick shot of me jumping off the side of the bridge, only to find out later that it was an “illegal shot” that I couldn't keep. Come on, Australia, I thought you were laid back.]

My super sexy climbing onesie. Look for it in next month's J. Crew magazine.

• We went to the Blue Mountains, and descended the Giant Stairway (1000 steep steps to the bottom), saw the Three Sisters (another stack of pretty Australian rocks), and admired numerous more waterfalls. There was a train that could take you back up to the start of the hike, but I don't roll with cheaters. We climbed up the Furber Steps instead, a slightly easier route than the Giant Stairway.

All smiles on the way down.

• We ate dinner at an excellent Korean restaurant, tucked away in a back alley, and recommended by the man working in the Korean convenience store. Always trust the Asian man behind the counter.

Word of the Day

SWOTVAC: Study WithOut Teachers VACation, also known as Reading Period, taking place this year on May 27 - June 5.

Or in my case, TTCIOLBTBIHTGHW: Time to Cram in One Last Big Trip Before I Have to Go Home Week.

Picture of the Day

Remember your Flat Friend project in second grade? Mine was named Flat Phoebe (I probably thought Phoebe was spelled "Feebee"). Send Flat Phoebe to friends and family around the world and collect photos of her in cool places.

My cousin Jessica is an elementary school teacher, so in other words, she has a Flat Friend for life. She made the bold move of sending Flat J down under for a few adventures avec moi.

What happens in Australia, stays in Australia,

I wanted to give Flat J a true and memorable Aussie experience: mission accomplished. Flat J now has a fresh set of blue highlights, a delicious ice cream bar, and, of course, an authentic Australian boyfriend. I'm a little jealous.. of the ice cream, of course :)

East Side! (Gold Coast)

[The Gold Coast is on the eastern side of Australia, just south of Brisbane, between Sydney and Cairns.]

The 2K open water swim was definitely a highlight of my Gold Coast trip last weekend, but that wasn’t all I did.

Sitting on the border between New South Wales and Queensland, the town of Coolangatta, where our hostel was located, didn’t have a whole lot. Its “mall” was composed of two supermarkets and a PayLess Shoestore.

Nearby Surfers Paradise, however, had much more to offer young and spontaneous girls like us. We spent most of our weekend there. Streets were filled with cafes, restaurants, bars, and clubs. There was plenty of shopping and the beach was just across the street. My only complaint was that the name of the town was so misleading – there is no surfing in Surfers Paradise.

Club #4 of the 5-stop club crawl we attended Friday and Saturday nights

Not to worry though, because we made the wise decision to attempt surfing in Coolangatta on Sunday afternoon. In addition to having two never-touched-a-surf-board-before newbies on our team, the current was strong, the waves were big, and our arms were tired from the swim race that we completed a mere 3 hours prior. As expected, success was minimal. But don’t get me wrong – lying on a surfboard and drifting towards Fiji was still quite fun.

The best ride I had all weekend :)

We also spent a day touring the inlands of Springbrook, complete with a fruit-tasting at Fruit World (my personal paradise) and a viewing of several more waterfalls I can’t remember the name of.

I ate heaps of dragonfruit, jackfruit, all sorts of papaya, starfruit, and custard apple!

Unfortunately, we did not make it to Byron Bay. Known for its beautiful beaches, snorkeling, and surfing, that is one beach town that will have to wait for next time.

Words of the Day

Dead horse: tomato sauce, which is Australian for ketchup.

Bullseye: meat pie.

They (the Australians, infamous for tricking gullible Americans) claim "dead horse" (pronounced "dead HAWS") sounds like tomato sauce (pronounced "to-MAH-to saws") and "bullseye" sounds like meat pie..

Well, lollipop sounds like poppycock, so Mr. Candyman, can I get one poppycock please?

49:04.09

I finished my first open water swim at the Cooly Classic, swimming from Rainbow Beach to Kirra Beach in a town called Coolangatta, on the Gold Coast. It was supposed to be a 2k (about a mile), but I’m pretty sure I went above and beyond, and ended up swimming a 3k instead – it’s a lot harder to swim in a straight line when there’s a current pushing you towards shore and there isn’t a line on the bottom of the pool to follow.

This picture was so misleading - I counted 8 giant red blocks while swimming and though I was done. PSYCH! Still at least 500 more metres to go!

I finished in just under 50 minutes and placed 65^th out of 95 women. I’d say I’m pretty satisfied with my performance; my goal was to finish alive. But I have found some competition: the top female finished in a speedy 32 minutes.. Maybe next year.

Must.. make it... to finish line..

Most of the race went swimmingly. My two biggest challenges, however, were more than enough to make up for the easy parts:

1. Starting the race. The waves were giant – the surfers in the water did not seem happy to see the 300 swimmers intruding on their turf. I probably spent the majority of my energy just trying to get past the crushing waves out to the first marker. Once I got past that first hurdle though, waters were pretty smooth, almost pool-like but with a current and some extra salt.
2. Finishing the race. Those damn waves again, though smaller at Kirra Beach. This time, they wouldn’t let me get back to shore. The undercurrent made me feel like I was swimming in an infinity pool – watching the sand directly below me, I could tell I was getting nowhere even though I was moving my arms and kicking my feet. Eventually I got to a place where I could stand, and ended up aqua jogging my way to the shore and sprinting to the finish line.

30 metre sprint to the finish!

But what’s an open water swim in Australia without some type of wildlife attack? Unfortunately, there were no sharks, but I did get stung by a jellyfish. I was way too proud of the tiny marks on my arm, but now I can say I'm a survivor, of jellyfish and an open water swim.

P.S. You can check out the results and more pics from the race here!